Show Them, Don’t Tell Them

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I was asked to critique a potential client’s sales page, so I wanted to include my response in hopes that you can learn a bit from my suggestions yourselves.

For some more insight into the type of sales page: it is a content article/sales page pitching a physical product to solve the buyers’ issue– an entertainment product.

It also has instructions on how to implement what they’re teaching by using a real-life scenario using their product. But all the content is at the end under the pitch and their personal backstory doesn’t hold much water as it’s very brief.

My reply:
“I’m curious. Did you write this article with added keywords for SEO? Right off the bat I can say that it could flow a bit better and organically.” (The answer was “yes” about the added keywords)

[There are obvious keywords thrown in places I didn’t feel worked best. This makes it difficult to read, as keywords don’t often flow in a sentence easily]

“As far as the story-telling aspect of it, I would focus more on the emotional connection they have to their money and the discomfort of having to spend so much without needing to– due to your product resolving the issue.”

[They’ve gone out of their way to mention that spending money is bad. But instead of explaining why the reader doesn’t need to spend extra money for the results they want, they talk about a scenario they lived and how it sucked. Then go straight to pitching a product that would have helped solve it. This is where you’ll want to use the product in a real-life example of WHEN it solved your relevant issue. Not tell them a “what if”]

“I’d suggest making it more about them, and less about your personal experiences. Though relating to them is good, it should be a very small portion of what they’re reading.”

[You want to add just enough about yourself so that they feel they can listen to you and what you’re saying since you lived their current issue yourself, and had overcome it.]

“I would include the instructions/solution earlier on, and then incorporate more info about the product after you’ve already given them a solution to their problem.”

“For example– I’m showing you that I can help you with this sales page before I ask you to let me. 😉”

I don’t always give such a large breakdown to leads, but in this case, I felt it was a good move based on their eagerness to work together already.

Proving that I can help them by doing it immediately. Showing them a real-life example of how their article should be laid out within my pitch.